Becoming a Man, man.
In many cultures young men are taken at a certain age to a place and initiated into manhood by the elder men or spiritual men of their religion, tribe or community. Then after the rite of passage you are a man. In some aboriginal tribes this might involve performing or scarification. Young men in Sudan are circumcised while a tribe in the Amazon have a ritual where young men are told to put their hands into large mittens filled with bullet ants and hold them there for a period of time without making a sound. In Japan young men hold a large exploding rocket between their legs to show their bravery. Young Jewish men have a bar mitzvah, young Catholics confess, young Buddhist’s in Thailand spend time as an apprentice monk at a Waht (temple) and young Muslims have the hajj to Mecca. There’s hazing, fagging, beatings, tea bagging, bunging, shutlering, blunt running and pomerainiang in High Schools around the world. You can have your first smoke, first drink, lose your virginity, drive a car, shoot an animal or accidentally make a tiny person, but does any of it really make you man?
I’m 32 and technically I’m a man, but I don’t know when it happened because there was no ritual or event to mark the change. Getting hair on my balls certainly was not a predictor as that happened when I was 3 due to an abnormality in my genetics. Manhood doesn’t happen immediately it’s a gradual process that for me, began at age 16 creeping along like hereditary baldness. My catalyst was my Mothers breakup from my dad, my rite of passage was not violent, spiritual or painful it was culinary. One night I decided I was going to cook dinner for Mum when she got home from work. So the first step I took to manhood was to make my Mum a honey roast chicken that was wallowing in a puddle of honey, twas a sickly bird. So ironically I took on the traditional role of a woman to become a man.
Now at age 32 I’m at a crossroads where I’m looking back at my youth and forward to becoming a Father, and sideways at all the young men out there and a lot of the men my age who don’t want to grow up. There is an infestation of Manchildren at the moment. Phrases like, “I just don’t want to settle down right now” delivered from a convertible VW or the repulsive sight of a 37 year old hipster on a razor scooter are fairly commonplace. Stay young they say, party on, hold onto your youth because adulthood is a blink on the way to retirement and an unhappy death alone in a fibreboard house somewhere in the suburbs.
The only advice that is readily available is found amongst the pages of Lads mags or Posh metro mags, which act as a catalogue for things you can’t afford or things you can’t do. For example a 4 page spread written by the right wing hate sack Jeremy Clarkson on which Maserati is better is almost as useless as the author himself and it’s a proven fact that articles like this enrage men and inadvertently lead to spikes in Public Transport violence. Or take a puff piece in Zoo on manipulating your girlfriend in to having anal sex amongst stories on ‘Running with the Bulls’ or ‘fucking Philippino lady boys by mistake’ actually make men 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with a type of sub standard IQ and violent tendencies toward effeminate Asian men. So how do men today sort the shit advice from the good?
An example of ‘Zoo’ promoting incest and paedo teachers. Here we see them super imposing these mannequins heads on the body of young Philippino men with Bear Grylls peeing onto his own face in the background. This magazine in particular was proven to remove almost 48 IQ points from men who read it.
In the following blogs I’ll be investigating modern Man ‘issues’ so if you have any answers, links or comments on Man business please post them below (that goes for you too ladies).